Ephesians 5:22-25
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body.
Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

There are marital relationships which are only nominal; that is the couple co-exist in name only mainly for appearances. On the outside, the couple behaves as if everything is going well so that even family members and friends are not aware of the emptiness and pretense. You might find this type of arrangement as couples advance in age or among political relationships, some religious leaders who live separate lives after adultery, professionals, there is sickness, or if a husband is involved in homosexuality. The wife may decide not to leave the marriage because it would not serve her purpose. In some situations, there may be a trade-off where the couple decides to live separate lives at home, but act as the “perfect” couple in public. The wife may have her own life, but there is the feeling of abandonment and loss.  It could be that the husband may not be living contrarily to the marriage vows, but they have grown apart from each other while still living together. Although they may agree to continue the marital requirements such as providing for each other, being kind, and carrying out the social, physical, and financial aspects of the relationship. Still, there is emptiness and lack of fulfilment.

What is Marital Emotional Abandonment

This situation can be described as an intentional or unintentional emotional attack from one spouse towards the other. The situation can be described as an emotional breakdown of the relationship which affects the family even when the couple remains together. For the spouse who experiences emotional abandonment, there is an empty feeling on the inside. There is also the sense of neglect because there is no sincere love and affection being shown to him or her. Feelings of neglect may cause anger and fear which may lead to insecurity. This insecurity will evoke feelings of jealousy, anger, and rage because there is uncertainty about the future and loss of confidence in the relationship. Moreover, it creates a type of fear which causes dread, horror and uncertainty if the one who feels abandoned thinks the marriage might eventually fall apart. The hurt spouse may take things in hand in desperation of trying to restore the relationship. This may involve self-blame in an effort to make things right. There may be self-reflection on past scenes which they had overlooked, with examining of past behaviours and attitudes towards each other, which may lead to blame.

There are also unanswered questions for which the other spouse seeks answers concerning the reason “why?” There will be accusations towards the other spouse who might only ignore all responsibility especially if that person cannot give any suitable reasons for the behaviour against the other. He or she may point to all the things which have not changed with the expectation that the hurt spouse will be accepting and thankful. However, emotional abandonment is just what it is. No number of tangible things will be able to fill the emptiness for love, communication exchange, warmth, and affection which everybody needs.

Reasons for Intimacy Withdrawal

Marital emotional abandonment may be evident in some marriages due to unfaithfulness, but not all. It could be that the withdrawal is caused by sickness, depression or something else. There could also be that someone else is in the picture which gave rise to the unusual behaviour patterns. When emotional abandonment affects intimacy, the spouse feeling the pain seeks to rectify the situation in an attempt to find a solution to the problem. When that person fails, there may be unexpressed anger bottled up on the inside which may lead to dissonance.

Loneliness and Hopelessness

The abandoned spouse feels isolated, forsaken, and afraid. It does not matter if there is some limited communication exchange; the quality of the association is not normal; there is something missing. This acknowledgement may lead to fear, whatever the fears maybe, they will emerge. There is also disrespect and abrupt behaviour towards the affected spouse. The struggle with loneliness may lead to hopelessness which can be the cause for depression and despair. When the individual is overcome by loneliness and despair, he or she may do everything possible to win over the other spouse. It is when all efforts fail, that anger may cause physical attacks, verbal abuse and just anything might happen. Lack of recovery of the relationship may lead to divorce or separation.

Lack of Love

What happens to the couple when love is absent from the relationship? Unquestionably, love is the basis of the relationship and presents itself as a major component for its longevity. A loveless relationship leads to emotional suffering filled with doubt, anger, low self-esteem, and conflicts; whether expressed or internal. Moreover, lack of love will trigger emotions of suspicions, shame, and disappointment. We can even add hatred if one spouse feels deeply hurt and frustrated. There is evidence of discontentment which will trigger all kinds of negative emotions. Those situations may cause the one who is hurting the most to take matters into his or her hands in an attempt to fix the problem. You may wonder what if the other spouse is very uncooperative and makes no effort to do anything. If that person becomes obstinate, this will create an atmosphere of discomfort, leading to communication breakdown. When this happens, there is very little hope of recovery because, similar to love, communication exchange is vital for the survival for any type of relationship.

Rejection

Rejection of itself is cold and depressing, especially when a spouse withdraws with no explanation. Although one spouse may shut down, deep in the heart he or she may not notice that this is a sign of rejection towards the other. The behaviour could be the result of past emotional injuries from childhood which were not resolved, or an expression of personality type. It is also possible that the behaviour was not intentional, or the individual is not even aware of its presence and effect. Nevertheless, the very fact that communication has dwindled, intimacy is cold or if there is indifference towards the other spouse, there will be emotional pain of loss and the evident feelings of rejection. There will also be concern causing internal reflection of the one who feels abandoned. In terms of rejection, this could be the final act to seal the relationship bringing it to sudden death.

Spiritual Response

While there are many things in life to affect the hurting spouse and which might delay the restoration of the relationship, we must also consider the relationship with the Lord which is very significant to the life of the believer. How important is Jesus to the hurting individuals? Is there interest in going on and trusting in Him to take care of the situation?

Abandonment leads to all kinds of outcomes and will affect every aspect of an individual’s life. There will be many concerns and unanswered questions. Therefore, it is imperative that each person keeps a close relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ, even when everything in life seems to be going well (Galatians 5:16). We live in a broken, sinful, and evil world which does not forgive. It holds grudges, and this might be the cause for a marital breakdown, whatever the reasons. Therefore, the desire to live closely to the Lord must never diminish, because we will always need Him to take us through life’s tempests and turbulent seas. Moreover, the Christian can never make it through life without God’s grace which He gives freely to everyone (2 Corinthians 12:9ff).

Sometimes, prayer may not seem to be helping. However, does this mean that God is not listening? On the contrary, God is always listening even when He seems silent. Therefore, for the one who is depressed or in despair resulting from abandonment, that person must be fully assured that God does not fail, and He will never abandon His people (Psalm 42, 43, 46, 91, 121).

Finally, the worst thing that could ever happen to the emotionally abused spouse is to lose hope in God or to believe that He does not care. God cannot and does not fail. Part 2 follows.

A Final Note

God does not fail. Trust Him, and He will help you if have faith to believe (Hebrews 11:6). Do you still feel helpless and alone? Why not call Shekinah 678 964 4096. You may leave us a message if we are unable to respond immediately.

Shekinah Theological College is receiving new students who have the desire to study the Word of God. The programs are prepared for busy people who are seeking to grow in the Lord. Success is attainable; you only need to call and make an appoint to hear about tuition assistance and other important information. If you were called by God, or maybe you only need to understand more about His Word, why delay. Make the decision today.

Click for: Marital Emotional Abandonment: PART 2

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