Ephesians 5:22-25
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Marital Emotional Abandonment Outcomes

Since emotional abandonment in the marital relationship is a sign of disregard, neglect and inattention, we must expect that there will be negative outcomes which may drive the spouses further apart. There are many consequences from marital emotional abandonment, some of which are listed below.

Shame

The lack of love in the marital relationship is a serious situation which must be dealt with in a timely manner before it becomes institutionalized and difficult for restoration. Moreover, a loveless marriage can become toxic which could lead to shame, blame, resentment, and hate. Furthermore, it causes embarrassment if one spouse is openly interested in someone else or other interests; even if this is a relative, friend, work, a car or a pet. These will make a deeper chasm into the relationship with a wedge which certainly blocks reasonable and effective communication processes. When shame infiltrates the already damaged relationship, it will lead to isolation from loved ones and friends. There is no desire to talk with anyone about the prevailing situation regardless of who may be at fault. In any case, since it takes two to create a relationship it also takes two to break it. Incidentally, adultery is not only the killer of a marriage. There are other unnoticed circumstances and events that will silently destroy the marriage. [See When the Circle Breaks below]. Rather than seek help, spouses will hide behind a mask to keep out those who might be able to help them reach an amicable solution for their problem.

When the Circle Breaks

Most certainly, shame will paralyze the spouses, causing them to believe that the situation cannot be resolved. Still, shame is only a shield barring them from seeking support, while it deceives the spouses into thinking that the damage is irreparable. There are times when emotional abandonment occurs, it may have been from misunderstanding of simple things which should have been resolved a long time ago. Never minimize the power of shame which has a strong influence on a broken relationship. However, shame is really a spurious impression concerning how others will accept the brokenness and will cause the couple to pretend when others are around. It gives a counterfeit perception about the situation, concerning the response of friends and relatives. If the couple is absorbed with shame, this will become a stumbling block preventing them from seeking help. This deception will eventually lead to feelings of powerlessness and lack of interest in repairing the relationship.

Powerlessness

If the abandonment occurs suddenly without warning, there will be questions and momentary emotional responses of shock and surprise, with outbursts of anger. There are also feelings of hurt, disappointment, embarrassment, hostility, and resentment. This may intensify to feelings of powerlessness not knowing what to do especially if the unhappy spouse refuses to discuss the reasons for the change in behaviours. That person will avoid confrontation and may become indifferent to the feelings and emotional response of the surprised and hurting spouse. The spouse may think that he or she has done something wrong since unusual behaviours and communication may occur without warning. It is similar to being hit broadside. This can have a devastating effect on the entire future of the relationship. Emotional abandonment is painful and can lead to depression for the spouse who is more affected by the breakdown.

Depression

The signs of depression may be different for each person with varying degrees of intensity. However, if the depressed does not seek help and support from those who are willing to listen, this can lead to despair. Occasionally, despair is the result of hopelessness and feelings of rejection. The condition of depression is complex because it can be caused by a number of situations resulting from the way an individual views a problem in his or her life. If sadness and gloom are evident, they will resort to a life of isolation and only respond to what is necessary in their lives. They may continue to serve their families, go to work and church; but this may only be for appearances, while duties are carried out in a routine manner. Actions are done from habit with no excitement or pleasure involved. The depressed have conditioned themselves to carry out certain tasks which are customary to them, but without any form of effective communication exchange.

Depression is very dangerous and should be dealt with immediately before it becomes chronic. In any case, efforts should be made to seek outside resource or from someone who is objective and kind, and who will seek the good of the one who is hurting without chastisement, criticism or reproach. That person must be willing to listen with empathy and reflect without being judgmental or accusative to the individual. There must be sincerity and honesty and being present while the person is expressing himself or herself. The words used and the types of questions asked must be carefully thought out, avoiding more pain for the one who is already hurting.

Despair

People resort to their inner being [soul] as they reflect on the past and what could have made life better than their present situation. They compare yesterday with the present as they wonder why they are in this particular place of “isolation” and “loneliness” for which they may blame themselves or someone else. When we are facing despair, it is possible that we fail to understand or acknowledge the complexities of life especially when we begin to make comparison with yesterday and today. As we assess and evaluate, we may decide to either hope for a better tomorrow or remain in a state of despondency. One could assume that despair is the lowest ebb from depression because it makes the individual lose hope and may not even try to reach out to others or to seek opportunities which might relieve them of the gloom and feeling of misery.

Unfortunately, it is during the time of despair when people refuse to listen to others who are only trying to help them reach to another level of hope. They fail to accept the challenge through family, and well-meaning friends to hope and trust in God with prayer for a smooth outcome of the broken relationship. In some situations, a separation does not necessarily mean the end of the marriage. Even a divorce may help an individual to see personal mistakes made in the relationship so that he or she can plan to do better if given the opportunity as the Lord leads. We cannot deny the fact that when despair sets in from an emotional abandonment it may be difficult for some people to reconcile when considering all of life’s frailties and vicissitudes.

Acceptance

With some mature couples, one may yield to the other while reflecting on past years of togetherness and love. However, if there is retaliation, restoration of the relationship maybe remote. In some situations, acceptance may be the answer, and this is the reason we will find that on the outside everything appears to be pleasant, while at home there is emotional separation with a business-as-usual attitude. The response is to accept the behaviour and continue with duties as usual. Physical relationship may be by programmed consent. There is no emotional feeling of intimacy similar to two ships passing each other in the night. Everything is mechanical, and this may last for many years even as the couple approaches retirement and senior years. The emotional abandonment is accepted with a resigned consent by the two persons to co-exist as individuals with civility and respect; no one expecting any emotional expressions from the other.

Emotional or Physical Abuses

Finally, marital emotional abandonment may and can lead to physical and other forms of abuses from one spouse to the other. This could be from the hurting and disappointed spouse or even from the one who has withdrawn emotionally. An abuse may result from disappointment and the constant memory of what may have caused the painful circumstances in the marriage. Physical abuse can also be from the outcome of anger, hurt or not understanding “why?”

Unforgiveness

There are times when lack of love is the result of an unforgiving spirit. The Bible teaches us self-control. Ephesians 4:26-27, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: Neither give place to the devil.” When spouses fail to forgive, they open the door to the enemy who will always make every effort to destroy the relationship from within. He uses the two persons as instruments of destruction to the relationship. Furthermore, unforgiveness leads to malice and hatred even when these are not openly expressed.

Hope Against Despair: Psalm 42:5-8 & 11; Psalm 43

Listen to someone who may have been depressed and in deep despair,
yet this person did not give up on God.

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted in me?
Hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. [5]
O my God, my soul is cast down within me:
therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan,
and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar. [6]
Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts:
all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. [7]
Yet the LORD will command his lovingkindness in the daytime,
and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life. [8]
Why art thou cast down, O my soul?
And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God:
for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance,
and my God. [11]

One Final Note

God does not fail. Trust Him, and He will help you if have faith to believe (Hebrews 11:6). Do you still feel helpless and alone? Why not call Shekinah 678 964 4096. You may leave us a message if we are unable to respond immediately.

Shekinah Theological College encourages students who have the desire to study the Word of God. The programs are prepared for busy people who are seeking to grow in the Lord. Success is attainable depending on the spent on any program. You only need to call and make an appointment to hear about tuition assistance and other important information. If you were called by God, or maybe you only need to understand more about His Word, why delay; make the decision today.

Click for: Marital Emotional Abandonment: PART 1

© 2023 Shekinah Theological College
We welcome your comments.